


Failing At Feeling As You Should

by ghostdreaming



Category: DCU, Smallville, Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Angst and Feels, Children Are Proto-People Not Belongings, Don't Judge, Emotional crisis, F/F, Family, Identity Issues, Love, Love Doesn't Always Follow People- Made Rules, Mentions of Cancer, Not Beta Read, Parenthood Should Not Be The Death Of A Person's Other Life Passions, Test-Tube Baby, characters that are barren/sterile/infertile (both Clark and Lex), female!Clark, female!Lex, mention of Past Miscarriages ( Not Clark or Lex!), mention of Post Pregnancy Depresion, mention of radiation poisoning, newborn baby Kon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-11 11:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3325808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostdreaming/pseuds/ghostdreaming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark is horrified when she finds herself not overcome by the normal feelings that a new parent should be experiencing at the first sight of their child and worries that something is funamentally wrong with her. Panicking she tries to figure out if it was because of they way the baby was born ( did they do something incorrectly or not do something essential?) or was 'Superman'  a fake and nothing more than a cold, heartless lier using self-superiority and faked compassion to sway  the people of Earth?<br/>Lex helps put her straight.</p>
<p>THIS IS A INCOMPLEATE TEST SAMPLE OF A FUTURE STORY!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Failing At Feeling As You Should

**Author's Note:**

> In Official Canon, Kal-El and Kon-El don't have a very close relationship and it reflects very poorly on the 'Good Guys' canon version of 'goodness and rightness'. Not because I think everyone should automatically be, or even want to be, the natural parent type. But because its another one of those things that seems to be promoting double-standards when it comes to superheroes( shameful and wrong if others do it but perfectly acceptable if they do). There's no such thing as being perfect but that doesn't mean make them into bullying hypocrites just because its 'dramatic'. I also think that in realities where Clark and Lex weren't bitter rivals it would have given Clark a better chance of working out the feelings of having a hybrid son( not a clone because Kon is from the DNA of two people combined not a copy of a single individual!).
> 
> This is also a in a completely different universe than my other F/F Clark/Lex story. In the other one Clark never became a costumed superhero while in this one her hero-identity/alter-ego/disguise is that of a man.

She ended up huddled on the, very clean (because Lex liked to see her places being run with highest standards on all levels), restroom floor. Eyes going blurry. She let them close and allowed the welling moisture gathering in them to slowly trickle out in salty paths.

The sight in the shiny mirror had really been what had sent her at last over the edge she'd been dangling over. That hadn't been a mother she'd seen in her reflection. What she had seen instead was; long mass of big loose curls, fancy make-up that was nearly invisible but for lipstick the color of very-red velvet roses( she didn't know/remember what that exact shade was because she never paid much attention, that was all Lex and the personal stylists, beyond liking it or not) , a gray-brown suit-jacket( shaded so dark it was pretty much black) that plunged in a deep vee baring a significant amount of naked cleavage, with a tiny little matching skirt that only went to about half-way down her thighs, along with a gold necklace shaped in a featureless crescent( the only piece of jewelry she was wearing besides her wedding ring), plus a tall pair of( percisely color-coordinated) shiny pumps. She didn't look like a woman who was meeting her own baby for the first time. What she looked like was someone belonging in a fancy office...or a trophy- wife. That's what people were going to think after all- that Clark was one of those self-image obsessed conceited types that was too vain to 'let their girlish-figures be ruined by carrying the children themselves'. 

And she hadn't acted right either. The natural reaction of instant overwhelming love, need, apsolute completeness, and mindlessly all-consuming devotion she was meant to experience at the very sight and in the first moment of holding her baby, those most basic and universal instincts that she had always heard so much about, that was to be expected of any woman, that she had been expecting, that she had waited for...hadn't emerged. Discomfort, confusion, blankness, unease, and panic had rose up instead. Which was quickly followed by dawning horror of the wrongness of that response. The baby should now be the sole/central/entire focus of her entire being, with him being her entire existence, and she as a real parent now was nolonger a person with individuality of her own, but from this point on nothing more than the means with which to fulfill the child's needs. Something clearly wasn't right about her....or the baby....or even both. Maybe it was something to do with her genetics? The alienness of her DNA resulting in some unperceived mistakes and errors? The unknowns about the process of fetal growth in her particular extraterrestrial species causing some kind of miss-step? Or was it a more personal failing in her? Some serious flaw that existed deep down inside her?

"Clark?" A set of tall glaringly white pumps and the bottom hems of a pair of equally bleachedly-clean trousers came into sight. Lex. Wonderful. glorious, sweet, smart, loving, and perfect Lex, who was too good to her and way more than Clark deserved, was going to be so disappointed. Lex had been the one who had fretted and obsessed over her own sutabilities as a prospective parent while Clark had thought- well, she had actually though they would have nothing to worry about in that department and could fathom why they would. Not knowing that it would turn out to be her who was the one who was one of those type of people who were deficient in their capacity to love and incapable of even the automatic ability of parenting.

Turns out Superman'( yes 'man' because what better way to hide your secret identity than by using a different gender as a disguise?) was nothing more than a big fake. All that compassion and altruism he was so praised for was starting to look like it was nothing more than shallow mimicry that she had used to fool even herself..... Oh gods It was true wasn't it! Why hadn't she seen it before! She was so damn superior acting wasn't she? Like a big condacending snob going around telling people how to live their lives and using her greater strengths and abilities to make things go her way all the time! All this time thinking she was helping and protecting others and she was really _being nothing more than a heartless inhuman SUPERVILLAIN!_

What poor kid deserved having _that_ sort of monster as a genetic donator raising them?

And Lex had been saddled with such a thing as her wife! How could she bear it! Why did she put up with it? Lex was so amazing and deserved only the best and most wonderful and happiest of lives. Yet for some odd reason her really, like crazy terrible, bad taste in spousal material had eventually had her turning to Clark...and Clark hadn't been able to resist the temptation( cause good god how could have she when it was _Lex_ _wanting to be Clark's and only Clark's_!)

" Clark!" Lex's voice was more insistent and worried now. Slim, finely delicate aristocratic fingers, soft and smelling of (outrageously expensive) perfume and lotion, chemicles, baby powder, and pure Lex-scent, and unmistakably that most unique and exquisite palest irredecient that was Lex's oh so fair and fine flesh, were gently cupping her chin and  tilting Clark's face upwards to meet the worried grey eyes that were visibly taking in the evident tear track and likely calculating appocaliptic doomsdays for whoever she finally decides was the cause behind them.

"There's something wrong with me. I don't think I love our baby."

      

**Author's Note:**

> Well, what does anybody think?
> 
> Oh and hopefully no-one is mad at Clark. She is very overwhelmed and confused and contradictory mainstream social and cultural ideals, bigotries, dictates, and such had only made it worse.
> 
> I had to post this now before I lost it and hope to get back to it in a couple months.


End file.
